KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS MR. CONGRESSMAN

So explain this to me, do you sign a contract when you become a politician that requires you to do some sexually repugnant act? or does it just give you permission to whip out your wanker whenever and wherever you please? The rich and powerful men running our country just can't seem to keep it in their pants. They are either having a love child with the hired help, putting half naked pictures of themselves on the internet, or sending pictures of their shlongs to some very unlucky ladies. No matter where you look, there's another middle aged statesmen's in tighty whities flexing in the mirror. PUT IT AWAY! No one wants to see that! Keep your wee little pecker tucked away where it belongs.

It was recently uncovered that the obnoxious democratic congressman from New York Anthony Weiner is making attempts at not only fulfill his end of the dong-contract, but also to live up to his name. Weiner has put his weiner in the lime light. He was caught “sexting” (isn't he too old to know what that is?) various women and sending them pictures of his concave chest and unfortunate package in “cock shot 2011” (Jon Stewart). After pictures of his erect penis surfaced on Twitter, Weiner went on national TV and lied about having any knowledge the lewd photographs. Liar liar pants on fire. What did you expect? Someone else was going to take responsibility for your breakfast sausage?

Weiner then came clean and claimed ownership of his winky, admitting publicly to being a perv. Here's the kicker folks, not only is Weiner a married man, but he's a married man with a baby on the way! Why someone would ever agree to procreate with this man is beyond me (closed her eyes and counted to ten?). His wife is not just a piece of arm candy to take to political rallies, although she is light years out of his league, she is Huma Abedin who just so happens to be BFFs with the Clintons. Our dear congressman is screwed, and not in the way he had hoped. His only hopes of staying politically active is in the hands of his betrayed wife and let me tell you buddy, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. 

Growing Up

 Freshman year of college, check. What did I learn in this psuedo-real world? I've learned what my parents are paying the big bucks for, something academic. Yes folks, I said academic, quite a difference from my less than satisfactory education courtesy of Niwot High School. At Nitwit, my education consisted of bull shitting my way through every class and smiling my way to As. This strategy doesn't quite fly at the University level. Now I can tell you the origins of syphilis, the causes of the deterioration of newspapers, and all about our evolution from the apes. I worked harder in my first week of classes then I did in all of my senior year of high school. I also learned a lot about myself. I moved out from the ever watchful eye of my dearest mother and found that, hey, I can do my own laundry and make my own bed. I found that I am a good judge of character. I rid my life of the people that bring me down and let the people in that raise me up. I'm looking out for myself, telling people how to treat me, I guess, I'm a big girl now.

Above all else, I learned that this is the best time of my life. It is the only time I can be completely selfish. Now, before you jump to the conclusion that this girl is far too into herself, hear me out. This is the only time in my life where I am living rent free (thanks mom and dad), living with all my friends, and most importantly, I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. There is no husband counting on me or children who need me. I am on my own, no strings attached, and I am loving every moment. I'm doing stupid things; running from the cops, getting in cars with strangers, giving my heart away, drinking the punch, and not giving any of it a second thought. This is the time in my life to be stupid and selfish and I am doing just that. So for all of you future scholars, embrace it!!! This is as good as its going to get.