IT IS 28 DEGREES OUTSIDE AND MY GODDAMN HEATER IS BROKEN IN MY GODDAMN APARTMENT.
So my toothpaste is frozen, my sheets feel like they were in the freezer, the bathroom window is frosted, and I am a wee bit chilly.
Want to know what my kind hearted landlord dropped by to help us with out troubles instead of fixing our heater? He sent one of his minions to drop off a TINY ASS SPACE HEATER. You think this 1ft x1ft heat box is going to keep my 3 bedroom apartment warm tonight? You must be out of your fucking mind.
As we speak, my freshly showered, wet hair is turning into icicles and my toes are turning purple. My pipes are freezing and my nose is running.
If I make it through the night, I'll be sure to write my landlord a thank you note for the generous gift. NOT.
Deuces,
K
Monday, February 27, 2012
TEXTING IS FOR DUMBIES
TEXTING IS THE WORST INVENTION IN THE WORLD.
Okay, I didn't really mean that. Well, kind of.
I text a lot. All day long. I text in class, in bed, on a date, while on facebook, while watching TV, while walking, while eating, while drinking, and I have even been known to text while sleeping.
So, yeah, basically I am a hypocrite so no need to point that out.
But here's my point, while texting is great if you need to ask a quick question, you are somewhere where being on the phone would be disruptive, etc., it causes more problems then it's worth.
Personally, my biggest problem with texting is that there is no way to express sarcasm in a text message.
Here's how it gets me into trouble:
Friend: Hey girl, wanna come over again tonight?
Me: I mean we hung out last night and we both know how I feel about commitment...
Friend: Fine bitch.
See?! I was totally kidding, obviously. My suggestion to solve this problem is to invent a new form of italics called "sarcalics" to better express my sarcastic comments.
Second issue I have is that people try to have serious conversations over texting. This only gets everyone into trouble. You can't see someone's reaction to what you've said and you can be meaner because you're not actually saying anything to their face.
You might be mad at someone and to their face you'd say, "I'm mad at you for saying A,B, and C."
You then look at them and see the look of remorse and incoming tears and you know that is all you needed to say, you hug it out and go get Mocha Lattes at Starbucks.
Over text, the conversation goes more like this, "You fucking bitch, I can't believe you'd ever say A,B, and C about me, I really have to reevaluate our friendship."
WOAH WOAH! PUMP THE BREAKS! But over text, you have a license to be a little meaner, a little more aggressive, then you would in person.
Then the person who received this mean text shows everyone in the room with them and they convince her to reply with a classic, "Not my fault you suck."
See what I'm saying? Texting is more trouble then it's worth.
I hope we all can learn to put the phone down, handle our problems the old fashion way and make our friends cry in person.
XO
K
Okay, I didn't really mean that. Well, kind of.
I text a lot. All day long. I text in class, in bed, on a date, while on facebook, while watching TV, while walking, while eating, while drinking, and I have even been known to text while sleeping.
So, yeah, basically I am a hypocrite so no need to point that out.
But here's my point, while texting is great if you need to ask a quick question, you are somewhere where being on the phone would be disruptive, etc., it causes more problems then it's worth.
Personally, my biggest problem with texting is that there is no way to express sarcasm in a text message.
Here's how it gets me into trouble:
Friend: Hey girl, wanna come over again tonight?
Me: I mean we hung out last night and we both know how I feel about commitment...
Friend: Fine bitch.
See?! I was totally kidding, obviously. My suggestion to solve this problem is to invent a new form of italics called "sarcalics" to better express my sarcastic comments.
Second issue I have is that people try to have serious conversations over texting. This only gets everyone into trouble. You can't see someone's reaction to what you've said and you can be meaner because you're not actually saying anything to their face.
You might be mad at someone and to their face you'd say, "I'm mad at you for saying A,B, and C."
You then look at them and see the look of remorse and incoming tears and you know that is all you needed to say, you hug it out and go get Mocha Lattes at Starbucks.
Over text, the conversation goes more like this, "You fucking bitch, I can't believe you'd ever say A,B, and C about me, I really have to reevaluate our friendship."
WOAH WOAH! PUMP THE BREAKS! But over text, you have a license to be a little meaner, a little more aggressive, then you would in person.
Then the person who received this mean text shows everyone in the room with them and they convince her to reply with a classic, "Not my fault you suck."
See what I'm saying? Texting is more trouble then it's worth.
I hope we all can learn to put the phone down, handle our problems the old fashion way and make our friends cry in person.
XO
K
Sunday, February 26, 2012
How to write a smarter paper
I am sitting in my usual Starbucks with my roommate on this beautiful Sunday afternoon "studying." Every time I have a paper, midterm, final, project, etc. I have the sudden urge to catch up on my blogging. So, today, I wanted to share a little nugget of wisdom with my readers (hi mom!). I am a professional school-paper-writer, I have written countless, as I am sure you have too, and I am going to share the key to sounding like you know how to write a paper.
Use semicolons.
I know, this raises a few questions or concerns like; How do I use a semicolon? Why would that make my paper better? I love commas. What's wrong with a normal colon? What if I use it wrong?
IRRELEVANT.
Here is everything you need to know about semicolons; no one knows how to use them, they look fancy, no one will question the rest of your punctuation because you're smart enough to use a semicolon, (you OBVIOUSLY know how to use a goddamn comma), and you will make everyone who reads your paper insecure about not using the infamous semicolon.
BOOM; that C paper has moved up to an A-.
You are welcome.
xo
K
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
BIG WORK DAY TODAY
Ello Folks!
BIG WEEK
This has been a huge week! Starting with my Biggest Loser Cleanse. Other then having to pee every 3 minutes, I haven't really been noticing much of a difference in the way I feel or the way I look. Now, I can't blame only Jillian for this one, it could be a little bit of my responsibility. This cleanse/detox thing is suppose to clean your liver, be good for your kidneys and spleen (the fuck does my spleen do?), as well as get rid of your water weight. I may have shot-gunned a few beers this weekend and ate everything there was to eat on Super Bowl Sunday (including, but not limited to: po' boys, mozzarella sticks, dino-chicken nuggets, Mexican delicious fried thing, unrecognizable dip, taco bell, and doughnuts). These small snacks may be effecting the outcome of my cleanse. But hey, I am sticking with it! Only 3 more days. Woop woop!
Speaking of 3 days from now - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Mark your calendars y'all, this girl is turning 20! I have successfully made it through two decades and evaded teen pregnancy. I'm going to go ahead and call this one a win.
Now on an unrelated note, I have been giving some thought to my future. Not my distant future, but my more immediate future. More specifically, summer 2012. Now, summer is my favorite time of year. I sit at home, lay in the sun (covered in SPF 45 mom, chill), eat, go out to eat, cook, you know - normal summer things. But THIS summer, I am planning on studying abroad through my University in Copenhagen, Denmark. This is big time folks. I am in the application process but my hopes are high! Europe here I come!
It's way past my bedtime. Night!
xo
k
PS: Title is for you Joe.
BIG WEEK
This has been a huge week! Starting with my Biggest Loser Cleanse. Other then having to pee every 3 minutes, I haven't really been noticing much of a difference in the way I feel or the way I look. Now, I can't blame only Jillian for this one, it could be a little bit of my responsibility. This cleanse/detox thing is suppose to clean your liver, be good for your kidneys and spleen (the fuck does my spleen do?), as well as get rid of your water weight. I may have shot-gunned a few beers this weekend and ate everything there was to eat on Super Bowl Sunday (including, but not limited to: po' boys, mozzarella sticks, dino-chicken nuggets, Mexican delicious fried thing, unrecognizable dip, taco bell, and doughnuts). These small snacks may be effecting the outcome of my cleanse. But hey, I am sticking with it! Only 3 more days. Woop woop!
Speaking of 3 days from now - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Mark your calendars y'all, this girl is turning 20! I have successfully made it through two decades and evaded teen pregnancy. I'm going to go ahead and call this one a win.
Now on an unrelated note, I have been giving some thought to my future. Not my distant future, but my more immediate future. More specifically, summer 2012. Now, summer is my favorite time of year. I sit at home, lay in the sun (covered in SPF 45 mom, chill), eat, go out to eat, cook, you know - normal summer things. But THIS summer, I am planning on studying abroad through my University in Copenhagen, Denmark. This is big time folks. I am in the application process but my hopes are high! Europe here I come!
It's way past my bedtime. Night!
xo
k
PS: Title is for you Joe.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Biggest Loser Cleanse
Okay, so if you haven't noticed, I am obsessed with food (if you haven't, then you're either an idiot or you've never read my blog before). Now, this obsession normally takes the form of eating anything and everything. After every crumb has been consumed, I then take a moment to decide whether I liked it or not and whether it was really worth eating. Digest and repeat. Simple way of life that has been treating me just fine for the last 19 (almost 20) years.
I am about to go against everything I believe in for the sake of science!..and because my fortune cookie from yesterday's Chinese take-out told me to try something new (and I would like to remind the makers that if anything they should be called "fortune crackers" or "fortune cardboard" because they are a shame to the category of "cookie" - and yes, I eat them anyway).
My obsession is taking a new turn. My BFF Erin and I are going to attempt to go on the Jillian Michaels's, the chick from the Biggest Loser, 7 day cleanse.
Before anyone panics at the word "cleanse" and jump to any conclusions, this is the baby of all cleanses, this is the diet coke of cleanses. It's got the same idea as the real thing, but it's just not quite as authentic.
The reason for our pussy cleanse rather then the real thing: Well, I am an eater, born and raised and I will never, not even for a week, give up this simple pleasure of life. We will be eating, just very healthy (i.e. lettuce).
The key to this cleanse, is the voodoo drink we have to consume daily. The recipe goes as follows:
60 ounces of distilled water
1 tablespoon of sugar free cranberry juice
1 dandelion root tea bag
2 tablespoons of lemon juice
Thank god we live in the hippie, health food capital of the country so "dandelion root tea bags" shouldn't be too hard to find. So the plan is, drink 60 ounce of this concoction (or the equivalent of 2 Nalgenes) every day, for 7 days. Apparently, you lose all your water weight, you lose your bloat, and potentially 5-7 pounds (which I'm sure you gain right back as soon as you stop drinking a kiddie pool worth of water daily).
I hope my diet of peanut butter and Diet Coke wont effect the results, because those are my dietary staples that ain't changin'.
Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.
xo
k
I am about to go against everything I believe in for the sake of science!..and because my fortune cookie from yesterday's Chinese take-out told me to try something new (and I would like to remind the makers that if anything they should be called "fortune crackers" or "fortune cardboard" because they are a shame to the category of "cookie" - and yes, I eat them anyway).
My obsession is taking a new turn. My BFF Erin and I are going to attempt to go on the Jillian Michaels's, the chick from the Biggest Loser, 7 day cleanse.
Before anyone panics at the word "cleanse" and jump to any conclusions, this is the baby of all cleanses, this is the diet coke of cleanses. It's got the same idea as the real thing, but it's just not quite as authentic.
The reason for our pussy cleanse rather then the real thing: Well, I am an eater, born and raised and I will never, not even for a week, give up this simple pleasure of life. We will be eating, just very healthy (i.e. lettuce).
The key to this cleanse, is the voodoo drink we have to consume daily. The recipe goes as follows:
60 ounces of distilled water
1 tablespoon of sugar free cranberry juice
1 dandelion root tea bag
2 tablespoons of lemon juice
Thank god we live in the hippie, health food capital of the country so "dandelion root tea bags" shouldn't be too hard to find. So the plan is, drink 60 ounce of this concoction (or the equivalent of 2 Nalgenes) every day, for 7 days. Apparently, you lose all your water weight, you lose your bloat, and potentially 5-7 pounds (which I'm sure you gain right back as soon as you stop drinking a kiddie pool worth of water daily).
I hope my diet of peanut butter and Diet Coke wont effect the results, because those are my dietary staples that ain't changin'.
Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.
xo
k
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