Public Speaking 101

It's finals time once again, which means tests and projects up the yin yang. This semester, I am enrolled in a public speaking course and our final includes a final speech (shocker). The assignment for this speech is to make up an award that you will pretend to receive and give the class your acceptance speech.

So here is my speech, hope you enjoy:

THE MOST CAFFEINATED AWARD

First of all, I want to thank the academy and all of my peers for awarding me the great honor of being the “Most Caffeinated.” This award means the world to me.

I need to thank my mom for always sending me Starbucks gift cards, I could never have done this without your thoughtful gifts, love, and support. With your help I became a Starbucks gold member in 3 days and the Vanilla Lattes have continued to flow. Thank you mom.

Additionally, I need to thank Starbucks for making delicious coffee beverages and throwing in that extra espresso shot here and there.

I want to shout out to my friends at Red Bull and Rockstar, for their easy to drink and reasonably priced energy drinks. You have made my journey to this point in my life so much easier and much more carbonated.

My excessive consumption of caffeine is not a hobby or habit, but is a lifestyle choice that I work hard to maintain. It warms my heart to feel the appreciation of all of you in the audience.

The process of becoming “The Most Caffeinated” began when I took my first courses at CU Boulder. Without the assistance of caffeinated substances, I did not stand a chance staying awake in my freshman writing course. Every day, 3:00 pm would roll around after a long day of activities, my professor would dim the lights, and the monotone lecture would begin. It took only moments before I would nod off and sleep until the sound of my own snores would wake me up. My professor as well as my peers did not appreciate my lack of attention and I knew I needed to change something in my life. That is when caffeine came into my world and changed me for the better.

Before class, I would drink a Sugar Free Red Bull and class would proceed. My mind would stay sharp and my eyes wide. I knew I would never be the same. My professor noticed the difference and stopped docking participation points. My peers began to chat with me during the death-by-boredom lectures and I ended up making some life-long friends. This is all due to my dietary change.

Now, I could maintain my late night habits and still keep my grades up. I stopped napping and started studying.

I have now succeeded in consuming more caffeine in one sitting then was previously thought possible by scientists around the world and I couldn't have done it without your love and support. I am so thankful for this recognition.

I wish you all the best and I encourage every single one of you to free yourselves from sleep and follow in my footsteps. Enjoy those late nights and early mornings followed by productive days. You will be amazed at how many episodes of Mad Men you can watch in a 24-hour time period. Trust me, this is the best decision I have ever made.

Thank you all for this award. God Bless you all.

OBAMA FOR YOUR MAMA

As a college student, I have the privilege and opportunity to see numerous famous and prestigious individuals speak all over campus. Sometimes they are guest speakers in class and others are giving campus-wide speeches. Some of them are known for reasons that are less then heroic *coughAndrewFastowcough, and others that are trying to save the world. Today, the campus of CU Boulder was blessed by the presence of the current President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

OOOOOOHHH! AHHHHH!!

This is only the second time Boulder, Colorado has been graced by a sitting president, the first being Eisenhower in 1954.

This story begins last Sunday when tickets for Obama's not-campaign stop on our beautiful campus went on sale. The event had free admission for everyone and a limited number of seats available. Tickets were accessible from 12:00 pm until 3:00 pm for students, and after 3:00 they were reserved for everyone else (general public, faculty, etc.). The line for student tickets began forming somewhere around 8:00 am and only continued to grow, and grow, until campus and half of Broadway swarmed with eager students. For those truly committed to seeing our Commander and Chief, they waited in line. And then they waited in line some more. I have friends, they know who they are, who foolishly waited in line for up to two and a half hours. Why do I call them foolish you may ask? Because my man-friend aka DJ CDOM aka Owner and Operator of Staged Incident aka Chris, and I went to brunch with mother dearest and wisely came back at 2:45 to get our tickets. There were plenty left and the whole process took us 11 minutes (yes, we timed it). This included: parking, paying to park, walking, getting tickets, getting lost, etc. BOOM BITCHES.

So today was the big day. Coors Event Center had a line going on for nearly a mile, full of eager Obama-lovers waving American Flags and shit-talking Mitt Romney. There were a few anomalies in the crowd of Obama fans; Boulder's republicans came out in full-force, fully equip with signage and rude comments about our dear presidenté. I know what you're thinking, and I know, I am shocked too. BOULDER HAS REPUBLICANS?

Anyway, after melting in the sun and earning myself a farmer's tan, after an hour and a half of waiting in line we made it to the basketball stadium. My body shook with anticipation of seeing Obama and getting in the shade (or maybe it was just the dehydration), but we finally made it inside. I might add, there was no air conditioning, there were 11,000 people, and a million hot spot lights. Great.

We found seats positioned pretty far back but directly facing Mr. Obama and his secret service. And we waited.

To pass the time Chris and I played a few highly competitive rounds of rock, paper, scissor, and played thumb-war once or twice, or ten times. Then, finally, after Sir Barack spent some quality time at The Sink Restaurant on The Hill, taking his sweet ass time, he arrived.

He was greeted with a warm welcome, and started things off cracking jokes, talking about Boulder, praising The Sink, and looking as handsome as ever.

I was immediately pissed off.

Alright, you should know I am a registered Democrat with very, VERY mixed feelings about political parties and government policies. I am basically an Independent but what good is that, I can't vote in a primary, not that I have ever voted in a primary, but damn it, as a Democrat, I could if I wanted to!

I like Obama because he is charming, good-looking, and his wife is hot. I think he's done some good for our country, but if we're being honest, he had no where to go but up.

Basically what I'm saying is, someone needs to step it up and convince me that they are the one I should trust. And what do you know, no one has even tried. Until now.

Before I explain my pissed-off-ness, I should remind you that, one - I have some non-negotiable political opinions, and two - my vote has been neglected by any presidential candidate thus far in my life. (Whatever, so I'm 20 and this is the first election I can vote in. So what? You should have been priming me to vote for you since I could read.). And three - I just spent the last 4ish hours of my life melting in the heat.

(Picture me, sweating, mascara dripping down my face after just listening to whiny voices for 4 hours – not pretty.)

Alright, so I'm pissed-off because who do you think you are Barack? – can I call you Barack?

Coming in here like I have no brain and all you have to do is make me smile and I'll vote for you? HA HA you're so charming and funny but what can you do for ME!?

He spoke to the audience of college students like they were 10 years old and they needed a “Good boy!” from Mr. President. And the audience loved every minute of it.

The applause was endless. Barack would say, “You want lowered tuition rates!” EXPLOSION OF APPLAUSE.

The fuck people. . . He just stated a goddamn fact.

“Apple pie is delicious!” SEE! I CAN DO IT TOO.

Bastard. He's a genius.

Anyway, I am in complete awe of Barack's impressive speaking skill. He had 11,000 people hanging on his every word, granted he was talking about our tuition, student loans, and interest rates.

I think that pissed me off too. Cheap shot if you ask me. Of course we care about that stuff. I guess he's playing to his audience, and I guess no one can blame him. Maybe it's just that I hate all politicians. I mean, smiley things make me gag so why would this be any different?

Anyway, he finished his speech/non-campaign stop, whatever you want to call it, by referencing Facebook and Twitter. Really dude? That's how you and I are going to bond? Over social media? You seem so young and hip now. [except that I love social media seeing as it is the basis of my jobs and I just fucked shit up on Draw Something.]

I'll probably vote for him.

Xo,

K

F*ck one, marry one, kill one. GO!

My favorite game to play with friends is "Fuck one, marry one, kill one."
For those of you who don't know this game let me tell you how it works - you give a friend, or many friends, a list of 3 people. They HAVE to chose which one of these people the'd fuck, which one they'd marry, and which one they'd kill.

I'm home alone right now, so I am going to play myself, and play by my own rules.
Alright self - fuck one, marry one, kill one. GO.

Fuck One:
Amanda Bynes.
   This is just as much for me as it is for her. She has been in some legal trouble lately with her alleged DUI (bad girl!) and her career as been shrinking faster then her cheeks have been expanding. It's about that time in her career for a lesbian moment. Shake things up a bit, get people to notice her, maybe she can chalk her mistake of operating heavy machinery right after a vodka IV drip to a sexual identity crisis.
  This is for me because I try to do one nice thing for someone else every week. I will take this one for the team, Amanda. Plus, her voice makes me want to round-house kick her.  So I'm figuring this is the next best thing.

Marry One:

This is the hardest of all the questions. I have high standards and marriage is FOR LIFE. Scary shit.
This is why, to find my potential husband, I Googled "Oldest billionaire alive," which would make me the future Mrs. Walter Haefner. Walter is a 101 year old software mogul worth 4.5 billion dollars. You know what they say, life is short.

(for those of you thought I would pick Mark Zuckerberg - he has no soul. I have standards.)

Kill One:

Ke$ha.
Easiest choice I have made today. She brings absolutely nothing to the table. She has a money sign in her name because $he think$ $he'$ the $hit. (SEE KE$HA! I CAN DO IT TOO!)
Here is why I am always hating so hard on Ke$ha:
1.) She has no awesome celebrity gossip - so what good are you?
2) She can't spell
           For example:
                 Tik Tok
                 We R Who We R
                 Ke$ha
                 Grow a Pear

xo,
K

Naked without a cell phone in Mexico.

This year for spring break, my 10 closest friends and I ventured to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.

We all survived. Some of us had closer calls then others, but we all made it back to the US.

I had an epiphany on my Mexican, tequila-fueled spring break. Being in Mexico and south of the boarder meant that our cellular devices lost service. More accurately, they became exponentially more expensive to use in the land of body shots and topless beaches. We all had to put our phones aside, leave those back in the states behind, and live in the moment and only converse with those in our presence. This lead me to the conclusion that the only way people must have survived without cell phones in ancient times (up until the 90s) is that they must have been telepathic and cell phones have caused people to evolve and lose their cerebral communication abilities. This is the world's best kept secret. It is the ONLY logical explanation.

As members of this further evolved generation who lack any sort of telepathic talent, we got lost in the airport, panicked over missing friends, and felt the need to bring walkie talkies to find each other at the pool. I do not agree those intellectuals who criticize our generations addiction and dependence on cell phones. Instead, I would argue that we are evolutionary predisposed to utilize the modern technology of mobile phones in all necessary facets of our lives. So quit your criticisms, it's survival of the fittest, and so far it's looking like cell phones beat out telepathy.

xo
K